"My ex has lured our son into wanting to live with him and now my son treats me just like my ex did. He has turned our boy against me." If you have left an abuser, you may know this one.
Sad to say, almost weekly someone writes to me asking for insight on how to deal with this dilemma. How do you deal with being an estranged parent? What can you do for your brainwashed child?
Parental Alienation Advice
See your child as whole and do your best to feel your wholeness in his (or her) presence.
Even though you may know your boy is being compromised by the polarization that he lives, trust in his innate capacity to individuate from his father's control. Know that he can find himself and, from here, he may find you.
You do not hold the clock on this one. It will happen when it happens and most likely it will not be as a result of anything that you do. It will come about as a result of your child's evolution.
(I can hear you thinking that he is evolving into an abuser monster like his father.) Now...now, this may be true, but this road does not stop in his father's home. Your boy's life will extend beyond that of his father's influence.
The Whole Autonomous Child
As Kahlil Gibran said about children in The Prophet, "You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,...for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls,...for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."
They may come through you and your ex, but they did not come from either of you. And though they are with you or your ex, they do not belong to either of you. Know this to be true!
See your child as his own person.
The Healing Healthy Child
Trust in your child's capacity to mend the injuries they have acquired along their path. Their healing, their growth, their development is theirs, not yours. While it is true, as their parent, you feel compelled to influence their steps along the way to insure their well-being; you do not and cannot own that process...for it is truly theirs.
If you hear indifference in this message, then your listening has gone astray. This is not about caring through control. This is about faith in that which resides within your child's essence. And this faith can be yours whether or not you are in litigation. As you see him whole and feel your wholeness in his presence, both of you heal from parental alienation and estrangement.